Back Like I Left Something

I've been able to step up my Chinese, opening more doors to my lifestyle here. Its also opened a lot more legs. We're not having any deep conversations at all, and there often awkwards moments of silence. But its something.

Everything is based purely on physical attraction and utility. We want to fuck each other, and we can learn a language together. I assume there is some status attained in having a foreigner boyfriend, just like anywhere else in the world. I certainly also gain somethig as well.

There really is no connection, I know language is simply a tool, but my poor Chinese skills keep me from ever really getting to know a woman. I want more than just a good vibe. I want to know what one believes, what she has been through, what she aspires to be, where she sees herself in the world.

At my age, I figure I should try to see whats out there. But I want more, and I know I could be a great man for the right woman. I guess it makes sense that I'm here now. I can sleep with whoever, they all look the same, they don't understand me, they dont KNOW me. As I exorcise my sexual appetite, Her path is kept from crossing mine.

As I begin to value my spiritual being more than the desires of my physical shell, the time will be right.

Or I'm just full of shit and I'm justifying my inability to attain a true connection with someone as part of some absurd divine plan for me to find my love.

The gods must be laughing.