Selfish...

I'm fairly egotistical, selfish, and I get bored easily. The combination of these three characteristics makes me pretty horrible at maintaining a romantic relationship. I feel relationships work if  you are willing make willing to sacrifice yourself for someone else. I feel to truly be in love is to care about the feelings and desires of others and appreciating what you have, never taking anyone/thing for granted.

For me, I think its a matter of mental discipline. If I really want to and I really try, I can make someone else happy. But, when I don't get everything I want, I refuse to appreciate what the person does for me and instead feel like I am settling for a situation rather than striving toward something greater. For example, I love receiving oral sex. It's basically my favorite. So, when a woman does not go down on me I start to feel like I can do better. I start to think that I can find a woman just as good as this one, but who is willing to go down on me. I forget to appreciate that this woman will have actual sex with me, cooks for me, cleans for me, and is willing to put up with my stupid sense of humor.

What I fail to do is address the problem, and instead I just let it destroy the relationship. I never ask for oral, I feel that is kind of a bitch move. I just don't think it's a request or demand that a man should make. I find it much sexier when a woman wants to go down on you. So, when in bed I anticipate disappointment from not getting a blowjob, which ends up affecting the entire mood. Additionally, I get a much better erection if I receive oral sex, which in turn makes sex better for the both of us. But, to tell a girl that just makes it seem like you're scheming on her to suck your dick.

At the same time, allowing this to affect me and not sharing my desires with my partner may be worse. By keeping her in the dark, and continuously acting disappointed when all she does is kiss my ears, I'm setting her up for failure. If she knew why I was disappointed, she can address the problem. She may not suck my dick, because I feel like if its something she doesn't mind doing in the first place she wouldn't be waiting to be asked to do it. But, by telling her I can be (somehow) closer to addressing the issue.

So, it seems that one way or another, I've made my decision. I don't see myself settling, especially with the prospect of spending over a month apart coming soon. But, because I enjoy being with her, I enjoy talking to her, and the guilt that comes with breaking up with some is too much for me at times, I will continue to spend awkward nights with her, contemplating what to do. See how selfish I am?